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January 2nd, 2010

Snowglobe day

Because of the peculiarities of the position of my bedroom windows, looking out them when I woke this morning, it was as though I was looking out into a huge snowglobe. The world was snowy, and soft, huge puffs of flakes falling slowly past the glass.

When I went downstairs, the illusion was shattered. There was only a bit more snow on the ground than when Heidi and the boys left last night, our slightly shabby Victorian was itself, and everything else was just ... banal. Banal isn't bad, but after the magic of those first few moments, it was...disappointing.

I'm trying, you see, to take a little stock, get a little perspective, write out my thinks. But even the little I"ve typed above, in as ergonomically sound position as possible, is already wrecking my hands. So I will abandon the long post I thought I was going to do for now, and instead just sketch some thoughts.

I am blessed by the love and friendship in my life, and I know this--both in my heart, and in my head. That doesn't change the fact that this year has been hard. I am not who I was, and I don't know who I am, including what I want of myself, let alone for myself. I want to be there for my friends, but some days, I just don't have the energy to reach out. Given some of the devastating losses, and heart wounds my friends have suffered, I wish I'd been able to do more. It isn't that I don't care, I'm just weak. I am trying not to see that as a personal failure, while at the same time finding a way to be better about it. A contradiction perhaps, but there you have it.

And in the raw around the edges that I am, I am trying, truly, to grasp the distinctions about when unkindness truly is that, and when it is just the consequence of others trying to learn what they want of themselves, and for themselves. But when just getting through the day without screaming and leaving everything and everyone behind to start new where, in opposition to the Cheers song, "Sometimes I want to go/where nobody knows my name/and none of the faces are the same...." requires supreme acts of will and strength, I don't have much left to try to understand things from someone else's perspective. Not an excuse, but still true.

In a little while I will leave my sweet Birman's side and go down to start another day. The new year began with love and laughter, and I pray that I remember that on the dark days. I pray that I'll find the strength to put on fancy dress and take joy in it and the people I see there. That I'll be a better teacher and a better friend this year than in the last. And that I will be better to myself, because I think if I don't do that, I won't be able to do any of the rest.