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The day after Friday

So, there was a reception. The singing happened. It was mostly okay. So I should be feeling better.

But I realized this morning, as I was cleaning out my purse and found the church bulletin, that I completely blanked on going to the memorial service Tuesday.

His name was on the list. There was a candle. I was supposed to light it.

I worked Tuesday. I rehearsed with Mary Ida. I went home.

I forgot to go to church that night.

Yes, it was snowing. And after dark when I really shouldn't drive. But I planned to go. I wanted to go. I needed to go. For me. For the fact that I am going there now because he nudged me, gently, persistently, to do something that was about who I was--a part of me he loved, even if he couldn't share it with me.

I blew it. I am more upset that I didn't go than I think anyone could understand. I feel devastated. Empty.